I am Not The Perfect Mom But I Am The Mom God Knew My Kids Would Need (And That Is Enough)
In 2004, at the age of 31 I found out I was expecting my first child and I wish I could share that I was elated, that being a mom was everything I had prayed for but that would not be the truth. Just a few weeks before I had been at a routine yearly OB appointment falling apart as I opened up to my doctor about the internal struggles I was having about whether or not to have children.
I was over 30 and married to my husband for almost 8 years. I was feeling the pressure of making a life-altering decision about whether or not I wanted children. A decision that is easy for many women to make but I had never been the type to gush over babies. I loved my life the way it was; me, my husband and our spoiled Boxer, Miss Honey.
To add to my emotional overwhelm was the guilt I felt at keeping my husband from being a dad (he wanted children but at the same time was not pressuring me to start a family) and the shame that was eating at me for all the women in the world who desperately wanted children but here I was so easily saying "yeah, maybe having kids is not for me."
As I broke down in my doctor's office and she wrapped her arms around me trying to offer as many comforting words as she could, God was already at work. A few weeks later after a missed period, a positive pregnancy test and pulling my jaw off the floor, I was going to be a mom whether I was ready for it or not.
In 2005 we had our first born son and in 2012 we welcomed another sweet boy who was totally not planned either into the world. Motherhood has not come easily for me. I have struggled my way through it as an introvert and HSP (highly sensitive person) who can be easily overwhelmed by the energy that surrounds me with not enough time to decompress or recharge. I have spent many hours praying for guidance, patience, grace, more patience and more grace for I feel like I am messing up this mothering gig. A LOT.
But God always has a way of showing up just when I need Him most and on a day when I was beating myself up pretty good and allowing the lies of the enemy to tell me what a substandard mom I am and how I was probably scarring my kids for life, I ran across these two quotes on social media and the Holy Spirit spoke so deeply into my heart, "You are the mom I created you to be".
As a recovering perfectionist, I want to be the mom who shows up perfectly for her kids. I want to do everything right. I want to rock out amazing Pinperfect crafts for every holiday and be the mom who never forgets that it's her child's turn for school snack day. The mom who remembers to dress her kids in something decent on picture day and the mom who can be an example of patience, kindness and grace but the reality is that I am also human.
I have days where I am so exhausted I entertain without feeling the least bit bad about it sending everyone to bed at 6pm. Moments where I just want 5 minutes to myself to pee in peace without hearing "Mom! Chase stole the Lego piece I was using!". Days when I am fed-up being a referee and find myself yelling back "For REAL?! Don't you have like 2,000 other Lego pieces to play with?!" Moments when I desperately need to be alone, to hear the sound of complete silence instead of the 37th fart noise that somehow never gets old to a 6 year old boy.
So while I would love to be the super mom who can give you some insane motherhood life changing advice, I am honestly still trying to figure that out for myself. Okay, maybe I have totally given up on trying to be THAT mom but what I can do is encourage you to keep showing up for your kids messy and imperfect believing God created you to be the exact kind of mother your kids need you to be.
To remind you that God doesn't need you to be a perfect mom because He perfectly knitted you together, to encourage you to be deeply rooted in how much He loves and cares for you as His daughter, to stand firm in His word that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
I may not have all the answers but I can share my own struggles as a mom so you know you are not alone. Together we can let go of the burden that we have to always show up for our kids the way they want us to, to remember that while we will have moments that feel like we are failing it doesn't discount all the times where we managed to get it right.
Make no mistake that as moms we are under daily spiritual attack by an enemy who wants us to believe we are failing as mothers. He relentlessly pursues us to distract us from all the ways we do, by the grace of God, show up.
Like how I don't enjoy sitting on the floor for hours with building blocks watching my kids knock down something I spent time building 20+ times but how I do love to cuddle up with them to read a stack of their favorite books.
How I decline to play board games with two boys who over compete and are very sore losers but how I do love to curl up on rainy days to watch a favorite movie with them, even if we’ve seen it 17 times because there is always a new life lesson to discover in the story that leads to a deeper discussion.
How I don't care for a game of sword fighting but I do love a fun afternoon at the park to slide and swing (you are never too old to play on a slide!)
How I don't love play-doh in my house or the horrible mess it makes but I do love to sit with my boys and color with them because my kids tell the best stories while they draw.
How I don't want to dress up like a Jedi and battle with plastic lightsabers but I do love to watch Star Wars movies and share a bowl of popcorn in our PJs under a cozy blanket.
How seeing my house turned upside down for forte building makes my head twitch but I do love to spend an afternoon in the front yard playing kickball as they try to beat me 2 on 1.
How I don't keep every piece of paper my kids bring home from school (most days folders are cleaned out and I rarely look at most of what is being tossed) but I do tell them how proud I am every time I hear them being kind and compassionate to others.
How I don't love to hear my oldest run through the same goofy story for the 10th time but I do love to praise him for how confident he is when he prays before our meals at dinnertime as a family.
How I don't have much patience when it comes to my strong willed youngest having a meltdown every time something doesn’t go his way but I do cherish the time we spend talking about it later when we both can be more calm and understanding. In those moments is where God shows up and shows us both how beautiful forgiveness and grace truly are.
How I have zero tolerance for the boy obsession with talking about poop and bodily noises but I do love to escape upstairs with them on lazy Saturday afternoons to play Minecraft.
How sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I take things too seriously, like dishes left on the table, wrappers left on the counter within inches of the trash can, shoes left in the middle of the floor that I about break my neck tripping over and the pantry light left on. Again.
How I catch myself yelling as I lecture them and later beat myself up wondering if they will need therapy as adults to cope with what a grouch I could be during their childhood. How I lean on God for His strength so thankful for His grace.
How despite all of my shortcomings, I hold onto to the truth that God created me to be their mom and while there are so many moments when I fall short, I am not in this alone. God is always there to fill in my gaps. How I hold onto the truth that just as God loves me, the love I have for my boys is enough.
“Above all, be loving. This ties everything together perfectly.” Colossians 3:14
Then there are moments when I bury my face in their hair trying to imprint that memory forever in my mind and I kiss their sweet, soft little cheeks to savor the way they feel knowing one day those cheeks will be manly with facial hair.
When I laugh at their silly little jokes that make no sense and I marvel at how blessed I have been on my journey of motherhood, one that I at one time thought I did not want or could handle and now cannot imagine my life without. Time stops in those moments and God shows me that everything is perfectly imperfect and worth it even when I feel messy and broken.
I know there are going to be good days and hard days. I lean on this verse often "It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 for it brings me so much encouragement to know that every day God is faithfully there, that His mercy, grace and promises are renewed every morning and I don't have to carry yesterday's burdens or mistakes into today.
I know I will have to keep fighting off an enemy who is out to destroy motherhood because he knows how much God values mothers. The enemy wants me to believe that I am not a good enough mom, he wants to keep me focused on all the things I don’t do so I am distracted by the many ways God equips me to show up to be the mom my boys need. It is through the power and stillness of prayer where I find peace in God's presence and in those moments I know God is doing a good work in me and will see it to completion, equipping me through His son Jesus to be enough.
And He is for you too sweet friend xo
“Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” Philiipians 1:6
Welcome Beautiful Creative! I'm April, a mom of two boys • Storyteller • Coffee Addict • Warrior For Christ • Texas Country Girl • Creative Expressive • Squarespace Web Designer • I pray you find inspiration here to embrace your worth in Christ • I am honored to have you here ❥